I haven't blogged in so long that I can barely believe it. The reason for my absence is that my husband has been in the hospital and he is very, very ill and I need to try to spend a lot of time there. I won't get into why exactly he is in there as this is the blog where I air MY health issues and I am not sure that he wants details of his issues shared with the world. Any prayers you can say for my husband are very much appreciated.
Any how, this situation has inspired this post. My IC comes in first a lot in my life. I don't want it to, but it does. How I am feeling can really control the pace of my day. I try not to let IC stop me from doing things all the time, but the illness may impact how quickly I can complete tasks or my mood. And unfortunately now and then there are times I do choose to sit out of an activity because of IC related pain.
When my husband was sent to the ICU, it was the first time since being diagnosed with IC that I really had to respond to a horrible, horrible crisis. No matter how sick I feel, I need to make it to the hospital to see my husband. I love him and I wouldn't want it any other way. Like most IC patients, some days I feel okay and other days I feel like absolute shit. But it doesn't matter, I do the best I can to help with my husband's situation at all times.
Fighting through the IC pain to do what I have to do is hard. There are long hours spent at the hospital. It is exhausting for anyone, but the IC pain makes it worse. I am under so much stress right now, another big IC flare trigger for me. There are so many times in the past where if I had certain symptoms I would take a nap or a break. I actually haven't had one nap since my husband got sick. I just keep on going like a broken version of the Energizer Bunny.
It's hard b/c I feel like no one around me understands how sick I am sometimes. Family and friends know my deal, but many don't truly understand invisible pain b/c they have never experienced it. I like to ask many of the nurses in the hospital if they have ever heard of Interstitial Cystitis just to see what they say. I have asked six and only one knew about it. Sad, I know.
I stay with all the other "healthy" visitors. I feel like a fraud among them. Some days I feel so fatigued and in pain I wish they could just set up a second hospital bed next to my husbands so I could be with him and tend to my own pain at the same time.
I love my husband and I want to be there for him, so I must go on. I need to be around to sign papers, make calls and be sure that he is getting the best care possible. I am not complaining, I would do ANYTHING to make my husband better. I am just venting b/c I never anticipated what it would be like to be in a situation where my IC had to come in second. I am used to having a routine and making accommodations because of IC. Right now that is not a possibility.
I am doing the best I can and I feel strong for doing so much and ignoring many of my own symptoms, but in the back of my mind I am scared. What if one day my body just gives out?? How far can I push myself to save my husband without jeopardizing my own health??
IC chicks are strong and I am no exception. I will keep doing the best I can to be there for my husband as he has been there for me many times before. IC takes the driver's seat in life many times because of the many horrible symptoms it causes, but I guess sometimes IC has to take the passenger seat.
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