What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Stronger (?)

They say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I guess in some ways that saying is correct. As I have mentioned in a previous post my husband has been very ill and was even in a coma at one point. I went through hell with hospital visits, fighting with doctors, doing paper work, praying for my husband, crying, remembering to paying bills on time, being told that my husband might not make it etc. I am proud to say that now my husband is HOME. He still has a road ahead. We have at home nurses, PT and OT visiting regularly, but he is alive and will eventually make a full recovery. 


Dealing with that situation and now being a home caregiver has made me stronger in some ways. It made me realize that I am a brave woman who can survive almost anything. I found courage I never knew I had. I fought with all my might for the man I love and never gave up. It was hard, but it didn't kill me and it made me stronger in the sense that I now  know I am a brave, intelligent person with unimaginable dedication. 


However, since I suffer from IC it did not make me stronger in a physical sense. My body is weak. The hospital staff cared very little about my health situation b/c I was not their patient. I got close with some nurses that did care, but many doctors and some other people couldn't have cared less if I died on the floor of the hospital room b/c it was not their responsibility to look after me. As the stress got worse and my husband's situation went on my frequency got worse. My retention became awful and we won't even go into the  horror of the spike in pain levels. I also suffer from generalized anxiety disorder and as you can guess that showed it's ugly head many times during the situation.

 I ignored my body's desire for rest and did what I had to do to save my husband. When I went to see my pain management doctor a few weeks ago he looked me up an down. There I stood pale as a ghost with bags under my eyes and shaking hands. He had seen me a month and a half before when I had actually made a few positive improvements. He knew about my husband and the situation and was very compassionate originally about what was going on.


"What have they done to you?" he uttered. He was shocked by how bad I was doing. Usually my pain from IC is invisible but I had visible signs that my health was not good. 


I told him about the hours I was spending at the hospital, about how I had not taken a day off in over 50 days and about a few other horrific situations that had occurred that I needed to attend to. He was really upset. I am his patient and he wants to see me doing the best I can with a chronic illness, not walking in looking like someone who has never been treated before. He told me that I needed to start being somewhat selfish in my choices. He said that if I didn't I wouldn't be able to take care of myself or my husband. It was hard but I finally did end up taking two days off. Yes, two days out of over 60. One day I attempted to rest and the other was not a real day off b/c I spent it scrubbing the house for my husband's homecoming.


Now here I sit in the present. Having my husband home is obviously wonderful b/c I missed him so much. I do need to still do a lot for him (he can't drive), he does limited walking etc. but in between tasks I do get to rest a little. Only now I am realizing the true damage I have done to my body. I feel so sick from IC almost every single day. My muscles are weak. I am constantly exhausted both mentally and physically and also have symptoms flaring that resemble Fibromyalgia or Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. Right before my husband got sick my Uro told me I should see a Rheumatologist b/c some of my symptoms were beyond the scope of IC and he was concerned I may have some other illnesses too. I have not had time yet to have my appointment. 


I love my husband and if I had to do it again I would have done it all the same. He needed me 100% to fight for him and I didn't care what hurdles were in the way. Many people believe some of the actions I took saved his life. I am so happy he is home safe with me where he belongs. Nonetheless, I am scared right now about my health and my IC symptoms. He is scared too and wants to see me improve. Hopefully my husband and I can work together and both of our health issues will improve.


They say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, but when you have IC, sometimes what doesn't kill you makes you weaker (physically speaking at least).